Why does our society have such a problem with grief?
Following is a composite, fictional story about a fictional person based on many real experiences I have had as a psychotherapist working with clients over the years.
I had been working with Ruth for 5 months. She was working through the loss of her 8 year old daughter who had died of a brain tumour 6 months before. The devastating loss was compounded by the 2 years of trauma suffered as she supported her beloved child through the challenging treatment for cancer.
My approach was to validate Ruth’s feelings, her grief. To help Ruth normalise her sadness and to take all the time she needed to cry, rant, rage, sleep and generally process and come to terms with the loss of her precious child.
After 6 months, and unlike me, people around her began telling her it was time to ‘move on’ and ‘get back to work’. She was due to visit her GP for a check-up and when asked how she was feeling, she naturally expressed her sadness to her doctor.
Her GP told her that she was ‘depressed’ and prescribed medication. She referred her to a new therapist and inferred that our therapy was not working due to the fact that Ruth still felt ‘upset’. She was concerned that this was ‘going on too long’. This was 6 months after the death of her daughter.
This is a common story for therapists who support the natural process of grief. While I always encourage people to change therapists if they are not receiving the support they need, I feel sad about the judgement that therapy is ‘not working’ if someone feels upset 6 months after a devastating loss.
I feel deeply concerned about the expectation for people to ‘get past it’ especially when they are in such a vulnerable state and may be looking to others for direction and support. Why are we, as a society, in such a hurry for grief to pass?
Medication can provide emotional support and is totally appropriate for some people undergoing such stress. I am not judging that. My frustration is with our general inability to bear the deep sadness and our insistence that people ‘move on’ (as if they can!).
Unfortunately what generally happens is that grieving people act as though they have ‘moved on’ to placate and protect those around them who cannot bear their pain.
Can you imagine what happens physiologically when someone fights or ignores their natural impulse to cry? There is a huge cost to the body and this situation may lead to a deep sense of isolation and unsupported pain. This situation can even lead to PTS (post-traumatic stress) which can cause all sorts of problems down the track.
Some clients like Ruth return later and resume their work with me, some lose faith in the system and I imagine some do well with their second therapist. I only offer this story to illustrate the problem with grief that some corners of our culture have and I encourage you to think about how you can best support those around you who are living with loss…
Tips for dealing with grief-stricken people
- Cross the road to say hello even if you don’t know what to say
- Don’t take it personally if they seem distant and non-communicative
- Do ask “how are you?”
- Do ask if there is “anything you need?”
- Don’t expect them to attend social events for a while but keep inviting them anyway
- Stay quietly with them if they start to cry. You don’t need to fix anything
I’m sure there are many more and I invite you to please add your tips to this unfinished list…
Lots of love to all
Margie
Margie Braunstein
Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney. Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.
Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.
Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.
Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.
Completely agree that the problem with grief is the inability to let it be. Grief is subject to a barrage of strong ideas both from within the mind of the griever and from those around them. The shoulds and shouldn’ts range from ‘I should pull myself together’ to ‘I shouldn’t enjoy myself or be happy’. The last thing anyone seems to want to do is simply to leave it alone, to let it run it’s course, to find out what will happen. I think the reason for this is that it does take courage, as of course there’s no certainty where it is going to lead you, but wherever it is, it’s undoubtedly not within our familiar safe zone. And as you point out, it is others’ inability to deal with such powerful emotion that leads them to want to get it under control. I agree that grief is a completely natural process, that, if left free to do its work, will inevitably bring the griever full circle back to life again, albeit to a different life from the one they had before. I believe they will always be left wiser and stronger by experiencing the natural course of grief.
Thanks for airing the subject – it really needs it. Grief needs to find an accepted place in our shared experience if we are to find a way of genuinely helping those who have suffered a tragedy.
How true and wise your words are Margie. Grief carves deeply into our being and causes us to question our relationships, our purpose and meaning. We don’t grieve for a period of time; we grieve for a lifetime. If we are supported and understood in our grief, it has the capacity to deeply enrich our lives and lead us to a more profound connection with Life. Thank you for your presence and your experience Margie…it’s a treasure to us all. Petrea x
A week before we first opened the Quest for Life Centre my beloved dog died. I was upset beyond anything I could imagine. What was happening for me was a revisiting of all my past griefs; childhood, the death of my partner and everyone who was now gone forever. Since that time I often revisit that place of grief, especially when I’m watching a movie. Sometimes I watch a movie that I know brings on tears just to get that stuff moving. And I am OK with that now. For me we need to do what it takes to manage our grief and it can be very different for each of us.
Can anyone share their experience as it can be really helpful for others?
These words are both powerful and ensightful..Thank you so much.
It proves to me want a wonderful site this is and how valuable it is to have this wealth of in formation and expert advise at our fingertips.
Please keep up your wonderful work and thank you again
Maria
I have my own experiences with post traumatic stress disorder, which I am still trying to cope with after 6 years. I often feel I have to be two different people because friends and family – (who I guess mean well) will often say to me – It’s been 6 years now, it’s time to move on. You should be over it now, stop punishing yourself and why aren’t you answering the phone. I often feel under pressure to satisfy the needs of people that don’t seem to understand. People who did not support me years ago when I so desperately needed their support.
I wish it was that easy to just get over it but these were my experiences and I lived with those fears every moment of everyday – for years and they were real.
So very real and to this day they still cause me to tremble. I want to say to them if you could but live just one of those days that were mine for so long, you may not be so quick to judge me and make me feel so hopeless and inadequate. I feel like I just don’t matter.
It’s times like these when I begin to lose hope and instead feel like giving up.
I just want them to allow me to just be ME because if they did, they may stop to notice just how far I have come and grown throughout my journey.
So if I want to heal right down to the deepest part of my soul – please, please give me the space to do that. Who has the right to tell anyone they have this amount of time to do that in anyway.
All my love,
Rita xx