I’m in love – with me!

I’m in love – with me!

We have a session on our Quest for Life programs that addresses the symptoms of burnout and what helps. It seems clear to me that most of us know exactly what stresses us out and also what helps.

So the question is… if we know what keeps us fluffy, feeling well, firing on all fours, vital, energetic, peaceful, happy or whatever then why don’t we do the things we KNOW help? Why do we peddle backwards and away from peace?

This is a question I have often asked myself. I absolutely know that the following activities keep me in good shape physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally:

• Meditation every day
• Exercise every day
• Face to face contact with friends regularly
• Hugs as often as I can get them
• Great food – no refined carbohydrates or chemically altered food
• Productive work
• A clean and harmonious home
• Holidays & days off

So do you think I do all these? Nope. How about you? Does this resonate with you too? I do not think I am alone.

OBVIOUS FACT: if I do not care for myself then I do not care for myself. Read that again carefully and slowly… I do not care for myself. But why do I not care for myself? That is the question.

I am a slow learner but I have finally worked out the bleeding obvious and there is only one clear answer. If I do not care for myself then I must believe I am not worth caring for. I do not love myself.  Now that feels familiar.

Up until recently, I have not loved myself enough to act in self-caring ways. In fact I have often felt the opposite. I have not even liked myself at times. I have believed and said very hateful and hard things to myself like… “I’m too fat, I’m weak, I’m not good enough, I’m lazy, I’m hopeless, I don’t deserve good things, I’ve failed etc. etc. etc…”

Sound familiar?  Would these beliefs motivate anyone to care for themselves? The reality is that I feel worse and worse and worse on days when these beliefs are at the forefront of my mind.

So how about you? What are the unkind things you say to yourself? Do you feel love for yourself when you are thinking this way?

You see, we can have all the education and awareness in the universe about what’s good for us, but unless we love ourselves enough to feel deserving, we will NOT PARTAKE of the fluffy goodness that we know works.

There are lots of reasons why we do not feel self-love. From a simple psychological viewpoint, we probably had experiences where we did not feel loved and so we formed beliefs that got us to where we are today.

It can be valuable engage in therapy as a way of coming back to self-love. I have engaged in lots of my own therapy and I have helped many psychotherapy clients and students to feel self-love. You might even want to have some sessions with one of our Quest for Life counsellors. Counselling can be amazing and we are all unique so I highly recommend you find the way that works for you.

So, what if our number one priority was to be in love profoundly, deeply, passionately and adoringly with ourselves? Challenging huh? I think we would then naturally want to have that massage, ring that friend, have that bath, pick that flower, pat that puppy or look into our own eyes and say “I love you” and feel good about who we see looking back.

And we may then act accordingly. Plus we might have more energy to love others. It’s hard to love when you do not feel loved. And others might love us more too.

So start with YOU. I have started and it is my daily practice to notice the old beliefs and thoughts and counteract them with love. I am winning and I know lots of you are too! I had a massage on Friday and I am meditating most days. I must love myself very much… I want to care for me and I encourage you to join me in my ongoing quest for self-love.

I wish you lots of falling deeply and completely in love with you.

Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth…

The whole truth

Human beings are a funny lot aren’t we? I am often asked by my children, my clients and participants on programs the question “what shall I say”?

People (and I include myself) often feel really frightened of asking for what they want, changing their mind, saying no or disappointing someone. I have learned over the years that the truth is usually best. But what does that mean? You’d think it would be easy to tell the ‘truth’ and it can be, but it might involve digging a little deeper and feeling more vulnerable. That is not always so easy.

What intrigues me about people is that we sometimes avoid the truth and will only give it when all else fails to get us what we want. Yet the truth is nearly always more acceptable than the white lies we tell to cover our tracks. The tricky part can be working out what your truth is. We are so used to protecting ourselves that real truth can be outside our awareness.

Let me give you an example.

My daughter had agreed to go somewhere with her girlfriend but changed her mind. She said to me “What shall I say”? She was mulling over excuses – headache, too busy, not well, can’t use the car etc. – all white lies, to get out of going.

I asked her why she had changed her mind. She told me that she felt pressured by assignments and did not want to use her time wandering around the shopping centre with an assignment due on the following Monday. She did not want to let her friend down and felt afraid that her friend would feel angry so she was looking for an excuse that her friend would accept more easily.

So we talked about the ‘whole truth’.  The whole truth was that she felt terrible about pulling out at the last minute because she really values her friend and she made a mistake by agreeing to go when she had so much study to complete. She agreed to go because she loves spending time with her friend and had not even realised how much pressure it put her under until the time was approaching. She felt sad that she had conflicting commitments and wanted her friend to forgive her and make another time where they could feel free to have fun together.

You see, the whole truth was that she loves and values her friend but forgot her other commitments when impulsively agreeing to go. Once she got clear on this, she included all of the above and it was easier to say what she needed and ask for understanding. I think it when something along these lines…

“I stuffed up and now I am under pressure. I want to hang out with you when I have no pressure so we can have fun. Could we make it another time? I am so sorry I said yes but I didn’t realise how much study I needed to complete before Monday. Is that OK with you?”… Of course her friend was disappointed, but at least my daughter did not have to add lies to lies.

If she had said she had a headache, her friend may have turned up with flowers to spend a couple of hours with her. Would this have helped? No. It would probably have prompted more lies.

So I invite you to consider the whole truth. Our motives are not usually malicious or mean. We make mistakes. We do care about others and the truth is we stuff up, agree to things, change our minds, need something different and we do not like offending or disappointing others. I recommend you include all of that!

So next time you go to tell a white lie, take a moment to consider the deeper, fuller truth behind the issue and include the whole truth. It may make life simpler. Let me know how you go.

Love for now. Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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The Carers Circle

I came across this poem the other day and it reminded me of all the amazing carers I have had the pleasure of meeting at Quest for Life both at the centre and out in the community and I thought I would share it with you all.

We care because we love.

We love because we care,

It’s as natural as breathing in freshest Air.

To love, hope and strive and continue to care.

 

This circle of caring, life, love and hope.

That’s what helps us continue and aids us to cope.

There’s another circle, it’s hopeless and bleak, a black hole.

It pulls down Carers, and so saddens their soul.

 

Some support is needed to help Carers through.

Please make sure they get it, it’s all up to you.

We can help with support and speak our mind.

For one day as Carers ourselves we may find.

By Maz

I thank each of you for opening my eyes to the all the joys of caring and all the challenges of caring. Apart from the love you demonstrate 24/7; you personally save our economy many, many millions of dollars each year by caring for loved ones at home.

You also hold the responsibility of another’s life (sometimes for your entire adult life) so graciously. You do this even when you feel tired, are being called names by those you love (and who have no capacity for self-control), are changing an adult child’s nappy or getting up ten times a night every night to take him or her back to bed. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For many of you, respite is a far off dream. At Quest, we offer carers some time out and practical strategies for inner peace. We invite you to attend one of our programs and we promise there will be no dishes to wash, no laundry to hang plus you will be fed magnificently and be well cared for. You may even enjoy some apple crumble with custard (made by someone else of course)!

So I salute you one and all for what you do for me and for all of us as you devote your lives to the care of those who need it most. Your courage is inspiring and your wellbeing is so important. So, who takes care of the carer? Well Quest for Life does. We offer support and care for you… because …YOU DESERVE IT!

Much love to all

Margie

We recently held a webinar for carers and the recording is here under Previous Webinars. Petrea King and Dr Timothy Sharp (The Happiness Institute) are conducting a 1 day workshop: Who Cares for the Carer? in Sydney in March. All the details are on our website.

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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The Quest for Life

Fear melted and wonderful new connections formed

I have recently returned from our ‘Quest for Life’ residential program and my heart is so warmed by the transformation I witnessed on the faces and in the hearts of the beautiful people who attended.

Naturally, some people felt apprehensive at the start, but as they shared their lives and experiences with each other, the fear melted and wonderful new connections formed.
People from all walks of life grappled with the challenges of living with the diagnosis, treatment and ongoing physical, emotional and spiritual challenges of life during and after a body threatening illness.

I say ‘body-threatening’ on purpose because I truly believe that while the body may feel under threat, life itself is not and life cannot and does not die.

Maybe we are just ‘renting’ this body for a while so we can have a human experience? Maybe we are only ‘tenants’ and if you have ever been a tenant, you will know that one day you have to move on. Only trouble is that we move into our bodies and develop a deep sense of ‘me’ in ‘my’ body and our identification with ‘me’ in ‘my’ body can make it much harder to leave peacefully.

Of course, resisting leaving, say with treatment, can be entirely appropriate, especially if you have received your ‘eviction notice’ premature to your expectations but resisting leaving by denying your feelings, avoiding reality or isolating yourself might add more pain to an already challenging process.

However there is hope and there is potential for personal growth too. If you can find a way to use the ‘early eviction notice’ as a portal into what life is really about, you may discover what really matters to you and I hope this might your version of love and living fully today.

Maybe when you resist your death, your pain, your body, your feelings, your illness, your electricity bill, your conflicts, your lusts, your aging or whatever, you miss out on the fullness of life? The good news is that you can learn to live in the present, feeling it all and living it all, fully alive with all of life’s joy and sorrow but nonetheless buzzing with life.

And yes it can be scary. Of course it can feel terrifying but you can find fellow ‘tenants’ who have also been given ‘notice’ and like you are on their own personal quest for life and this can really help ease the burden.

Our bodies are all going to die. Your fears will be validated at Quest and will not be denied. They are very real and you need loving care and support to process them AND it is possible to change your perspective.

When you come to Quest for Life, you may learn how to approach life gently and with acceptance.

If you have been given an ‘early eviction notice’, then please make your way to a ‘Quest for Life’ program to help you make sense of what has happened, to ease your resistances and to learn how to suck the delicious juice out of life for as long as you can no matter what your situation. In this way you may live as best you can amidst the circumstances of this life right now, today and in this minute.

Profound thanks to my fellow ‘tenants’ from last week and much love and life to all for now. Margie

The next Quest for Life program is 5-9 December 2012. NSW health subsidies available

Please phone Suzanne on 1300 941 488 to book your place.

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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Elixir of Life

Elixir of Life

One of my beautiful colleagues at Quest for Life, Dr Louella Grattan-Smith suggested this idea to a group I was part of recently and I have been using it ever since and sharing with my clients who absolutely love it so I thought I would pass it on to you.

Instructions:

Pour yourself the loveliest and healthiest glass of water you can find

Use your best crystal or your favourite glass (or buy a beautiful glass just for this purpose)

Now here is the most important step…

Hold the glass up to the sunlight

Let the sun’s healing rays energise the water for as long as you feel it is needed

Now… imagine your glass is filled with a special, healing and wondrous ‘Elixir of Life’

Drink mindfully and slowly and feel the radiant elixir filling every cell of your being

Last step… enjoy

I’ve attached a photo of the glass that sits on my desk absorbing the radiance all day long J

Thank you Louella!

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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Letter to My Doctor

Dear Doctor

I have been reading ‘Love, Medicine and Miracles’ by Bernie Siegel, a surgeon who advocates treating patients with equality and respect for their intuition, wisdom and choices.  He absolutely advocates conventional treatment options but he is also holistic in his approach and inclusive of the patient’s beliefs, dreams and feelings.  In this excellent book, he gives an example of what someone might write to their physician and I thought you might like to read it.

‘Dear Doctor

Please don’t conceal the diagnosis. We both know I came to you to learn if I have cancer or some other serious disease. If I know what I have, I know what I am fighting, and there is less fear. If you hide the name and the facts, you deprive me of the chance to help myself. When you are questioning whether I should be told, I already know. You may feel better if you don’t tell me, but your deception hurts me.

Do not tell me how long I have to live! I alone can decide how long I will live. It is my desires, my goals, my values, my strengths and my will to live that will make that decision.

Teach me and my family how and why my illness happened to me. Help me and my family to live now. Tell me about nutrition and my body’s needs. Tell me how to handle the knowledge and how my mind and body can work together.  Healing comes from within, but I want to combine my strength with yours. If you and I are a team, I will live a longer and better life.

Doctor, don’t let your negative beliefs; your fears and your prejudices affect my health. Don’t stand in the way of my getting well and exceeding your expectations. Give me the chance to be the exception to your statistics.

Teach me about your beliefs and therapies and help me to incorporate them into mine. However, remember that my beliefs are the most important. What I don’t believe in won’t help me.

You must learn what my disease means to me – death, pain or fear of the unknown. If my belief system accepts alternative therapy and not recognised therapy, do not desert me, please try to convert my beliefs and be patient and await my conversion. It may come at a time when I am desperately ill and in great need of your therapy.

Doctor, teach me and my family to live with my problem when I am not with you. Take time for our questions and give us your attention when we need it. It is important that I feel free to talk with you and question you. I will live a longer and more meaningful life if you and I can develop a significant relationship. I need you in my life to achieve my new goals.’

Bernie also suggests that it’s highly beneficial if you feel cared for and supported in your choices by your doctor.  We are not all lucky enough to find a doctor with whom we feel this way but there are some wonderful physicians out there and feeling cared for could be worth considering when you are next shopping for a doctor.

Love to you for now.
Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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Angel on Earth

Angel David

I recently attended a 30 day gratitude challenge workshop with Toni Powell which was absolutely wonderful and inspiring. Many lights have switched on for me from that great day and the most exciting of all is in regard to my partner in life, David.

Toni was talking about the “opposite of gratitude” which turned out to be “complaint”. I am embarrassed to admit that it had never occurred to me before just how much and how often I complain about my husband and how much damage this probably does to our relationship.

I did it with my children, my friends, my colleagues, his friends, his colleagues, in my own head and basically anywhere and to anyone in my life. I would say “David is a good person… BUT…” and would go on to list all his failings.

Toni asked us to examine “why do you complain about this”? I realised that I complained about all the areas in which I think David ‘should’ have met my needs and I perceived that he did not. And there were many, many of these …

As a result of this insight, I have done some serious assessment about this issue and I have made 2 deep commitments to myself. They are:

1. To never, ever bad mouth or bad think about my husband again
2. To take full responsibility for my own needs

Lastly I would like to say that my husband, David, is an absolute angel on earth. He loves me and would do almost anything for me. He is an intellectual giant and no wonder he is referred to as ‘the oracle’ by his friends. He is my mate for life and I feel so grateful that I get to share my life with such a good man who I love very deeply. Thank you David for all you bring to my life…

There are things in life that we need to speak up about and not take lying down and then there are thoughts that become habits and need to be examined and adjusted if we want more peace and joy. Our challenge is to work out the difference.

I hope this gives you pause to think about your complaints and why you feel this way and maybe you could come up with some alternatives to these old habits that no longer work in your best interest. Also I hope you can find compassion and forgiveness for yourself along the way.

It is after all about gratitude rather than complaint (and that includes everyone including yourself).

Much love

Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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The little things

This has become a symbol of self-care and self-love for me.

One of the best things I have learned from Petrea’s inspiring teaching over the years is about how important the ‘little things’ are.

One thing I have implemented since coming to Quest is to put a bud vase next to my bed and choose a new living flower or piece of greenery every week. This has become a symbol of self-care and self-love for me.

When I look at the flower or leaves that I have placed near my bed, I remember that I am worth loving and that I care enough about myself to complete this task on a regular basis.

When the flower is brown and drooping and the water has gone green, it serves as a reminder that I may be overdoing things and gives me pause to consider where I fit in my own list of priorities which is usually a fair way down…

This little thing has added so much to my life. I would love hear about the little things that sustain you and enhance your life.

Much love for now

Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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Kicking the cat syndrome

What are the ‘cats’ that you want to kick?

At Quest for Life, we often speak about reaction versus response. I experienced a lovely lesson about this recently and thought I would share it with you because I imagine I am not the only one experiencing reactions.

If I am not facilitating on a workshop, I usually work from home. One day recently I was at my computer, feeling a bit like an octopus.

I had at least 8 things happening on my computer desktop– emails, online banking, website, documents, spread sheets, noises telling me emails were arriving, I was half way through responding to a comment on Facebook then the phone rang and I had a short chat to a colleague plus I had stuff on my actual desk that needed sorting.  A typical work scenario… Do you know the feeling?

In the middle of this busy, lovely and full work day, the computer started to make a little tick, tick, tick noise. If you are not familiar with computers, this is the sound of the computer doing something in the background. It could be a security check or archiving something or goodness knows what (I certainly don’t) but what I do know is that everything   slows…down.

On this day, I was running a bit behind time so I kept working and typing but there was a long delay before the letters appeared on the screen… I could not access the website… it was frozen… emails would not download… I updated a field in the spread sheet and it closed down inexplicably… my screen froze and finally… my computer closed down without warning!

I gasped. Oh no! This cannot be happening. No, no ,no. A cataclysmic volcanic eruption was going off in my head. I wondered “have I lost all my work?” And then before I knew it … I was in the middle of a full blown REACTION!

Catastrophic thoughts about lost work and lost time raced through my mind and I WANTED TO KICK THE  $%#&^!!  COMPUTER!!!! My heart was racing. I felt really ANXIOUS.

I hope you get the idea. It felt very stressful.

Somewhere amidst all the panic, I took a metaphoric step back followed by real deep breath. I became aware that I was experiencing a reaction and I remembered Petrea’s words about reactions…”a reaction is a re activation of a past feeling happening in the present moment”.

I realised I was feeling the same panic I felt when I was four years and got lost at the Easter Show – out of control, unsafe and slightly hysterical.

I asked myself a good question… “Given this is happening, what is the best response for me to make right now”? The answers came quickly. “STOP. WAIT. THINK. Do not kick the computer as this will not help. The adrenaline running through my system is not helping. Calm down Margie…”

And I did.

I’m happy to report that the computer eventually restarted and all was well. Documents were recovered. Unsent emails were auto saved in the draft box. I had 10 minutes to reflect on my reactions and learn once again that I do have control over my attitude, my body and my state of mind. I could breathe again…

I wonder what situations push your buttons and fire up reactions inside you? What are the ‘cats’ that you want to kick? I would love to hear…

In the meantime, I’m thinking of giving my computer a name. What do you think of the name… Kitty?

Love to you all for now

Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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The Problem with Grief

Grief is an ongoing journey

Why does our society have such a problem with grief?

Following is a composite, fictional story about a fictional person based on many real experiences I have had as a psychotherapist working with clients over the years.

I had been working with Ruth for 5 months. She was working through the loss of her 8 year old daughter who had died of a brain tumour 6 months before. The devastating loss was compounded by the 2 years of trauma suffered as she supported her beloved child through the challenging treatment for cancer.

My approach was to validate Ruth’s feelings, her grief. To help Ruth normalise her sadness and to take all the time she needed to cry, rant, rage, sleep and generally process and come to terms with the loss of her precious child.

After 6 months, and unlike me, people around her began telling her it was time to ‘move on’ and ‘get back to work’. She was due to visit her GP for a check-up and when asked how she was feeling, she naturally expressed her sadness to her doctor.

Her GP told her that she was ‘depressed’ and prescribed medication. She referred her to a new therapist and inferred that our therapy was not working due to the fact that Ruth still felt ‘upset’. She was concerned that this was ‘going on too long’. This was 6 months after the death of her daughter.

This is a common story for therapists who support the natural process of grief. While I always encourage people to change therapists if they are not receiving the support they need, I feel sad about the judgement that therapy is ‘not working’ if someone feels upset 6 months after a devastating loss.

I feel deeply concerned about the expectation for people to ‘get past it’ especially when they are in such a vulnerable state and may be looking to others for direction and support. Why are we, as a society, in such a hurry for grief to pass?

Medication can provide emotional support and is totally appropriate for some people undergoing such stress.  I am not judging that. My frustration is with our general inability to bear the deep sadness and our insistence that people ‘move on’ (as if they can!).

Unfortunately what generally happens is that grieving people act as though they have ‘moved on’ to placate and protect those around them who cannot bear their pain.

Can you imagine what happens physiologically when someone fights or ignores their natural impulse to cry? There is a huge cost to the body and this situation may lead to a deep sense of isolation and unsupported pain. This situation can even lead to PTS (post-traumatic stress) which can cause all sorts of problems down the track.

Some clients like Ruth return later and resume their work with me, some lose faith in the system and I imagine some do well with their second therapist. I only offer this story to illustrate the problem with grief that some corners of our culture have and I encourage you to think about how you can best support those around you who are living with loss…

Tips for dealing with grief-stricken people

• Cross the road to say hello even if you don’t know what to say
• Don’t take it personally if they seem distant and non-communicative
• Do ask “how are you?”
• Do ask if there is “anything you need?”
• Don’t expect them to attend social events for a while but keep inviting them anyway
• Stay quietly with them if they start to cry. You don’t need to fix anything

I’m sure there are many more and I invite you to please add your tips to this unfinished list…

Lots of love to all

Margie

Margie Braunstein

Margie Braunstein

Margie is a somatic psychotherapist and counsellor providing psychotherapy services to the people of the Central Coast and Sydney.  Margie lives on the beautiful Central Coast with her husband, two children, two dogs and a cat.

Over the last 12 years, Margie has also been engaged in the design, delivery and marketing of transformational learning programs. During this time she has regularly facilitated personal development programs for up to 50 people on weekend workshops, week-long intensives and advanced programs of 3-4 months.

Margie has a Graduate Certificate in Adult Education from UTS, Diploma in Psychotherapy from the Australian College of Contemporary Somatic Psychotherapy and qualifications in somatic therapy, executive coaching and relationship counselling.

Margie has a passion for personal development and regards people with respect, empathy and compassion in the belief that while we all do the best we can, a little bit more kindness and care can lead to even greater peace and joy in life.

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