How To Tell the Difference Between Grief and Depression

My aim here is to stimulate thought and reflection rather than have a view point of my own.

What are your thoughts?

Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life

Most of this is adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Harmony Books, 2009) which I breezed through earlier this year online. So here goes!

Depression is an emotion to be consciously transformed; grief is a reaction to loss that can transform you. Loss comes in many forms: the death of loved one, a pet, a job, a relationship. It’s a stripping away of a potent connection, leaving an aching emptiness inside. Despite grief’s agony, try to let it flow rather than attempting to change it or get it over with. Unlike depression’s emotional inertia, grief has an inherent healing trajectory that seeks to resolve itself. Choking grief off inhibits this forward motion and leads to depression. If we don’t shut down, grief can ultimately open the heart.

Grief at the death of a loved one can set off a torrent of feelings in us with a momentum of their own.

Shock. Rage. Anxiety. Sadness. Losing someone who loved us so much, and whom we loved so deeply, is unthinkable. It takes a while for this brutal reality to sink in. We can yearn to talk to our loved one, want to hug, chat, and eat dinner with them. But none of these everyday intimacies that you think will always be there are possible anymore. Even after, years have passed, though we’ve accepted the persons death, we still miss them. Some grief you never fully get over. To this day, pangs of grief continue to resonate through us, not as a burden, but as a widening portal into the compassion of what enduring love means.

In psychiatrist Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross’s iconic book, On Death and Dying, she presents common stages of grief. Denial: “This can’t be happening!” Anger: “I’m furious about the loss or at everything.” Bargaining: “I promise I’ll be a better person if only you bring him back.” Depression: “I don’t care anymore. Life is too unfair. Why try at all?” Acceptance: “I’m coming to terms with what-is. I’m devastated but I can continue to keep loving.”

We each have our own time frame with these stages. And of course no process is the same for everyone. It’s not a text book issue!

Over the year that follows the death of a loved one, we can experience every one of these stages. It is good to know that these stages are possible but not become attached to them or thinking something is wrong if we are not going through them.

The thing to remember is that there is no formula for grief but it does affect us and we are never the same after a grief is experienced.

Sometimes we want to grieve alone. Sometimes we want to talk about it to someone we trust.

We can be thankful for the support of family, friends, therapists, and whatever has cradled us though this anguished period.

Depression can be a healthy stage of grieving, but we can get stuck there. What complicates grief is when it taps into early traumas or losses that contributed to depression. A chronically ill parent; a volatile divorce; death of close relative or friend. Our current grief is compounded by depressions that preceded it.

Tip-offs that this is happening include:

(1) Grief becomes mired in depression rather than evolving or resolving.
(2) Old traumatic memories intrude on the present; we can’t get them out of our mind. In such cases, it’s imperative to obtain psychological assistance so we don’t become lost in the limbo of these feelings.

Beyond this, we need to stay aware of ingrained, depression-related negative beliefs that may get reactivated by the current loss.

But emotional freedom necessitates being aware and working on our issues from the past or else we can stay stuck.

When we lose irreplaceable relationships, there will be a gaping hole in our life. It is  true, some things may never be the same. However, our future holds the promise for other relationships with other amazing people. Our dear ones who’ve gone don’t want us to stop loving. During grief, if old beliefs associated with depression surface, we need to be kind to ourselves, but seek the help we need to combat hopelessness.

Grief can catalyse an intuitive opening. Coping with death, in particular, tunes us into instinctual knowledge organically tied to the passage. Even if you’ve never considered the possibility of an afterlife before now, that question may become eminently relevant. Loss stimulates a part of us that may long to know and we want to tap into it and listen. When grieving, notice any intuitions that lend insight. Pay special attention to dreams. After the passing of loved ones, it’s been commonly reported that they appear in dreams to assure us they’re all right. They know how much we worry. What’s striking is that the departed look younger, healthier, happier, no longer sick or in pain. The person who has died is not suffering, we are!

Dreams about death are often conveyed with the lightness of cosmic humour to allay our worries. Intuitively, they enable us see that despite death’s physical finality, the spirit endures. Knowing this is enormously therapeutic when dealing with grief and in continuing a meaningful life. It may not console the part of us that needs a hug from those we’ve lost, but it may help.

Swami Muktananda said, “The only thing you lose when you die is your fear of death.” We, the grievers, have it much harder. Still, accepting loss as part of life’s cycles can ease our struggle with it. Unavoidably, there’s one appointment we all must keep. Once we can accept death, our own and others’, it puts the true nature of things into perspective, lets us savour every moment of our intimacies now. We can also more appropriately revere those who’ve passed without morbidness or trepidation.

Acceptance of loss doesn’t mean we like the idea of this sacrifice. But it does impart equanimity about such letting-go and a hopefulness about the longevity of love throughout time.

Love never dies. It’s what animates the light throughout infinity.

When facing loss, try to keep breathing deeply and trust the process as grief transforms itself and us.

Addressing old issues related to depression, as well as listening to intuition, enables us to psychologically work through grief and accept loss more easily

Notes:

Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the new book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Harmony Books, 2009) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

Wendie Batho

Wendie Batho

Wendie has co-facilitated residential programs with Petrea for more than sixteen years. Prior to that Wendie spent over 25 years as a teacher, school principal and was involved in educational leadership and facilitation of school executive groups.

Ten years of this time was spent in PNG where she taught and worked for the government. Wendie has been travelling since the early sixties and is especially attracted to Asian cultures. She holds degrees in Anthropology, Education, Sociology, Theology and Political Science. Her current passions are her grandchildren, travel biographies, exploring Asia, 4×4 driving, reading everything she can get her hands on, and watching movies on the big screen at home.